„Well the sex sucked“ – one date recently said to me and even though I agreed completely, it left a bitter taste for both of us.
I am coming more and more to the conclusion, that honest dating isn’t possible. The times I tried to be super honest because I was tired of those fake promises, I either regretted it or it hurt a little. And I think even though we always say we want that honesty, I honestly think we don’t.
1. The benefit of your opinion
What benefit would we gain from one mediocre person, telling us, he doesn’t like our jacket or the way we speak? Sure, sometimes I wished that people would realize, what their major flaws are in dating to be more successful or to stop hurting others but I don’t think, any criticism is taken in a good way by anyone. First of all, most people see criticism as an attack and will get defensive or shoot back instead of listening. I was once very annoyed when a friend told me that the guy she started to go on dates with told her „there was no sexual attraction“, even though they made out. You sucker make out with a person you have no sexual attraction for? And that is nothing she can use or improve on, so I just found it so unnecessary to say. I could understand, if he would have said „it went too slow for me, I didn’t like the fact you didn’t sleep with me on the second date“, then it would be all on him.
2. Honesty in pictures?
It already starts with the pictures. Are we presenting the real person or do we put up the one time we went hiking in years and pretend to be an outdoorsy person? Are we even ready to present the real person? Are we ready to admit we spend the most time on social media and Netflix or are we saying we love reading when we read one book in a year? Nothing bad with the reality, we can still be super interesting people. I just had once met a catfish, all the others I caught beforehand. He was like 30 kilos heavier than in the pictures. I tried not to let him know that I was expecting something else and was actually in a fight with myself, thinking that I was so superficial. But yes, it was a lie. Why did I feel bad about it?
3. Ready for the truth?
Are we ready to say to another person in the face that we don’t think they are what we’re looking for? The worst story where this wasn’t well-received, ended in an argument that I am wrong about it. Well not really, an argument, he just kept saying that I was wrong thinking it can’t work out between us.
And are we ready to receive that message from someone else? Can we package it in a nice way and deliver it with a „for me, this and this isn’t acceptable“. If it’s something that is easy to fix, the reaction to it says a lot about that person and also if they’re willing to put the effort into it. I once told someone I really liked, that I feel disrespected when they said they would call at a certain time but dismissed me for a day without notice. I hate this behavior so much that I decided, I can’t live with it. And I don’t need to. Something that would be very easy to fix. But they decided not to. So I let them go.
4. Not the easy way out
How often they or we prefer to ghost after a date or give a lame excuse instead of saying what really bothered us. Not to hurt feelings or a fragile ego. But looking at the big picture: does it really benefit anyone to come up with a lame excuse? I think people where it happens again and again just get bitter and just don’t know what’s actually wrong and will start either blaming everything on themselves or on the other gender. My former Incel friend started hating women as a whole and I don’t think that will help him in any way in dating.
5. Honest to yourself
And lastly: Are we ready to be honest with ourselves? Can we see that we judge so easily on a few moments and that some crooked teeth are sometimes reason enough not to go on a second date? Are we okay with the fact, that we load our expectations on someone who doesn’t even get the chance to fulfill them? Are we open to see that everything is action and reaction and that we have a strong influence on how the person feels and behaves? And that we have the feeling, that person is insecure because we might have intimidated them?
Then honest dating might be possible.
