Buckle up, we need to talk about something.
I am sure I am not the only one who was raised to be a „good girl“. Well, what’s wrong with that, you may ask.
I may give you the answer: a lot.
Being a „good girl“ means: making sure, everybody likes you. You will reach that by
- cater around people,
- never speak up or be too loud, which also translates into: don’t express yourself,
- be humble,
- be decent,
- do what others expect from you,
- don’t have boundaries but also don’t be a slut,
- be submissive,
- let others touch you (family)
- put everyone’s needs above yours.
And if you don’t see this list as problematic yet, let me elaborate.
The downside of being a „good girl“
To be a mother
A „good girl“ is basically someone who is trained to be a good mother and wife: she’s sacrificing her own needs for others and that’s what is expected from a mother. But the fuck? Too many people still see that as a female trait but in my opinion, it’s conditioning.
To do what she’s expected to do
So early on, a „good girl“ learns that she is responsible for others’ feelings. If she’s not behaving the way she’s expected to, her parents will get sad or angry. She has to make sure her parents like her, so she will continue being that person she’s expected to be, even if that means, she has to neglect her own wishes and feelings.
On being nice
Or discomfort. A „good girl“ doesn’t refuse a kiss from an uncle or acts up if it is being touched by family members. A „good girl“ is also always nice to everyone, even strangers who aren’t nice to her. She has to respect authorities, even if they misuse their power on her, she shouldn’t be bitchy, when guys approach her.
On being decent
A „good girl“ doesn’t put herself into the center of attention and doesn’t express her opinion or her individuality. She doesn’t speak up for herself or throws a tantrum because she cannot make others uncomfortable or get loud around people.
On being pretty
A „good girl“ takes care of herself, always has to give her all to be pretty but never can be arrogant about it or use it as a weapon to get what she wants.
On being humble and pure
If she expresses to be mistreated then she’s just making herself important or should be tolerant with „boys who will be boys“, and aren’t held accountable for the mistreatment. A „good girl“ should stay pure but is never taught how to say no to somebody.
Otherwise…
And if anything of this isn’t the case she will be shamed for it. And shaming is a strong tool that we people invented. Oh, what a mess when a girl of maybe six years starts to be ashamed of her body, her voice, her demands.
Am I pushing too far here? No, not at all.
And a people pleaser is born!
Of course, a strong person is not that easy to control. Being a people pleaser benefits everyone, who wants to have it easy, not be held accountable, and just get what they want. Am I pushing too far here? No, not at all.
Sure it’s good to address the issue but what to do about it?
- Question your own beliefs about how a woman should be.
Are you getting irritated by strong or loud women and if so why? How do you raise your kids? Are the girls treated differently? For generations, this was a normal thing and hardly questioned. But we’re better than that now and aware of what harms kids and what they need in order to become strong self-conscious adults with good values. - Is there anything you have been shamed for? And is that shame something you are afraid of?
Shame is a social tool. It is okay to be ashamed if you harm or hurt someone. Everything else doesn’t need to be led to shame. Especially when it is about your body or if you say or do something stupid. The weird idea to be perfect all the time can be dumbed right now. - Are you putting other needs in front of your own? Do you know why?
Are you aware of your needs? If not, sit actively with you, getting to know what you want and need and how to get it. It is not benefiting you at all when everyone gets from you what they need but your needs aren’t met. - Do you need to be liked by everyone? Are you changing your behavior just to get someone’s approval?
You can’t be liked by everyone, there will always be people who don’t. Even when you try your best. And I am sure you also don’t like everyone, so there’s no need to. - Let’s stop the bitch narrative.
When a woman speaks her mind or is expressing poor treatment, she’s seen as loud and bitchy or even crazy. Let’s assume from the beginning that she has valid reasons for acting out instead of not taking her seriously. Let’s also assume, she had to take a lot beforehand in order to explode like this in the end. Please. - Be more conscious about touching
It doesn’t matter if it is a teasing slap on the ass to a child or a touch on the hip of a woman: Not everyone will address how inappropriate one touch can be, so always make sure that it is consensual, be it, child or person. If it is in a very cozy setting and you can read the room that it is appropriate, sure, go for it. If not, you better ask or let it be.
This is just the beginning of me unwrapping „the good girl“ problem, please stay tuned for more. We need to talk about it.
