And I wanted to scream from the top of my lungs „where are the emotionally available men at?“ and I got more and more convinced they are a rare diamond.
I thought this is mostly a problem with men. Fuck patriarchy, it made them that way. And I have to endure it. Great. Awesome. I am so done with this shit. And I wanted to scream from the top of my lungs „where are the emotionally available men at?“ and I got more and more convinced they are a rare diamond. And of course not to find for me.
Just because they love bomb me, doesn’t mean at all that they know and can handle and communicate other feelings.
Uh la la, you have emotions!
As soon as a man told me something personal or also just expressed their emotions to me, my sensor was on it and I assumed at the same time, they are emotionally available. Yes, of course, I found out: what a fallacy! Just because they love bomb me or articulate strong feelings towards me, doesn’t mean at all that they know and can handle and communicate other feelings. Good. Lesson learned.
An Avoidant trait?
And as I learned about the attachment styles I was sure that emotionally unavailable means, they are avoidant, they run away from their feelings, ignore, suppress, ghost, block, can’t deal with them, and are far from communicating them. And especially because this was the opposite of my attachment style, the Anxious, I blamed it all on them. Sure, the anxious attached is also acting from a place of lack and can become toxic, clingy, controlling, and chasing. What was new for me: The Anxious is also emotionally unavailable!
Emotionally unavailable attract emotionally unavailable
Jar drop! What?? Like Whaaat? I was so sure, that I am emotionally available. I can talk about my feelings, I know what’s happening inside of me. Go away with your bullshit!! Some TikToker screamed it at me „You’re also emotionally unavailable, bitch!“ and I screamed back at my screen „Don’t come onto me like that! You don’t know me, internet!“ Ah no, it does. It does.
We unconsciously always try to recreate the environment we grew up with because that is what we learned what love is.
All from childhood (of course)
I learned so many swear words for my behavior in love: Co-dependent, People Pleaser, Anxious, Chaser, the good girl. Did you find yourself in one of them? And all of this just because Mommy didn’t love me and Daddy was never home. Thank you, producers! No don’t worry, I forgave them, I forgave my paste, yadda yadda. But we unconsciously always try to recreate the environment we grew up with because that is what we learned what love is. Stupid I know. So I knew: Parents were unavailable, so I am searching for unavailable partners (any gender).
Defense mechanism
In an unstable environment in childhood, we learn to make ourselves small to be safe, to not poke the bear. Just be as quiet, as low maintenance, as well-behaved, and as least needy as possible, so that Mom and Dad will love me…one day. I learned to be sensitive to others’ emotions and adjust to everything I am around it, learning how to disregard, betray and dismiss myself on a daily basis. And that’s what I bring into all of my relationships because I was taught very early on that others’ needs and voices are more important than mine.
So how am I emotionally unavailable??
I was today years old when it finally clicked how that screaming TikTokers mean that I am emotionally unavailable too. In a relationship or even at the very beginning of it, I start to dismiss my needs in order to be loved by that person and I might be aware of my emotions but I don’t communicate them so that I don’t scare them away. Not how I feel about them, not how I feel with them pushing me away or not calling me or not telling me exactly anything about their life (because I always have Avoidants) Boom! Mind-blowing!
