Don’t touch me like that

Pic: „Do Not Touch“ by Chalky Lives 

Buckle up, we need to talk about something.

I always wondered how people do that to keep their personal space, that others could not get too close to them. That they react that fast to someone entering their space and maintain that. Somehow people see and respect that personal space with them. Never with me. And I want to understand why that is. 

Give grandma a kiss

When I saw my nephews and how their family and even strangers enter their personal space all the time, I think I found out the why. As children, we’re expected to let our relatives, even our slimy uncle (not mine, just hypothetically of course) and the pushy grandma to hug, to give kisses, let them touch us, dress us, but we still had to know the difference on our own that this is not okay if strangers do it. I never learned it. My siblings never learned it. And so if someone is entering my personal space it takes me way too long to even realize, that this is going too far. 

Entering personal space

Or if I am on a date and the person is getting too touchy too early, it makes me feel uncomfortable. But for too long, I didn’t really address it, because I never wanted to reject somebody. Also, I always feared being perceived as a prude, if I am holding back. I might have given hints, like moving away, turning my body or head to the other side, or pushing their hand away. Sad to say it was hardly ever noticed as a sign that I don’t want to be touched like that or right now. 

People-pleasing ass

As a people pleaser, it’s always more important to me that the other person gets what they want, even if it oversteps my own comfort zone. Like the child who’s giving grandpa a kiss when it’s asked to. Because it is expected. Because it would make them feel bad if I reject them. And I can’t be responsible for their discomfort.

I don’t feel comfortable

I don’t know when I should have learned how to protect my space and why it is still so hard for me until today. I have gotten far, baby steps, so that I can verbalize an „I don’t feel comfortable that you touch me like that“. And it’s shocking to me, how upset some people can react to that. Of course, I also had positive reactions. But it seems, people aren’t used to that at all when someone is telling them what they feel uncomfortable with.

I also had to learn that if the person feels bad about overstepping my boundary, that I don’t start feeling bad for what I said it in the first place. It can put off the vibe of a situation sometimes, sure, but I am not willing to sacrifice my own well-being for keeping up the good mood. Of course, I am not aggressive about it. But I also noticed, that when I am not strongly reacting to something it is taken as a „yes she wants it too“, even if I push a hand away, even when I am turning away my head. For me, these hints would have been clear enough but well, what do I know. 

Taking my time

It takes me longer, to get comfortable with someone. To find out if I like them or not. To find out if I wanna kiss them, be touched by them, get physical. And that’s okay. If people would have let me develop things at my pace, it would have taken way longer or wouldn’t have happened at all. Somewhere there was this irrational belief that I owe them something. It’s the end of the date, I owe them a kiss. I followed them home so I owe them sex. They start to get aroused by kissing them, I owe them going further. What the hell? The expectations of others have nothing to do with me and still, I was so eager not to disappoint them. If I wanted it or not. 

You don’t owe them anything

„Then just don’t“, sounds like such an easy solution that every one of you who is reading this and isn’t a people pleaser has in mind right now. If it would be that easy. And I am not giving away my responsibility for my actions at all. But when I noticed how often I did things I didn’t even want to and couldn’t understand why I stopped blaming myself for it and started digging for the why. 

I didn’t want to

Way too often have men tried again to touch me until I have given in, even if I actually didn’t want to. It was annoying to me that they didn’t give up, that they don’t accept my no but it wasn’t until I learned the word coercion in connection with this behavior that I found out, there’s really something wrong with that. And as always, I kept blaming myself for giving in, even though I said before that I don’t want to sleep with them, and then I did. I thought it was my fault that they don’t believe my no when it becomes a yes in the end. And also, when they made me horny, it’s very easy to make it a yes. 

Still, we need to talk about it

Why aren’t the pushy people who won’t take no for an answer held responsible for this at all? Why is it still my fault, when I put the needs of others in front of mine? I am not taking away the full responsibility, no, I am aware that my people-pleasing ass is a problem and I am doing my part of working on it but seriously, isn’t the action way worse? I can’t even push someone to go get groceries for me and then others just „taking sex“ from people? I would feel bad if I would know that this person actually doesn’t want it. Did I just get emotional? Maybe.

Why is it even a thing?

Maybe there are way too many fucked up things that play into that. Maybe porn, where rape, coercion, sex as a trade, forced sex is normalized and works as a turn on. Maybe that a woman’s voice is still not seen as that important, maybe because the natural sex drive is too strong to pay attention to little things like if she actually wants to? I really want to understand this.