Why I talk about my rape story

THE „GOOD GIRL“ FUCKERY

I need to clarify that I am only talking about my personal experience with rape and that I am not trivializing rape at all. I was searching for important conclusions on this topic that may be very useful to put into consideration.

Why I am not traumatized

I asked myself that question many times, why it didn’t „affect me that much“ that I was raped. Nothing changed since it happened. I still know exactly how, so my brain doesn’t play tricks on me. I think the fact that it was in my own bedroom and that it was a guy that I had sex with consent, in the beginning, is making a horror rape story impossible.

Why I didn’t talk about it

Still, I didn’t talk about it for 3 years, because I blamed myself for taking him home with me, for not having boundaries, for not pushing him off me strong enough, for not screaming loud enough. Because in the beginning everything was ok, but then he started slapping me in the face. I said many times that I don’t want that but he continued. He also was quite brutally going inside of me and the condom broke but he decided not to care. I said no many times and that it hurts because his dick was also way too big. I didn’t want to cry but I definitely tried to push him off me and screamed at him. But way too weak. Way too less. The fucking people pleaser that I am, I even felt bad he couldn’t finish and that I didn’t feel like finishing him off.

Why have I been nice?

I asked myself again and again why I didn’t react the way I should have and kicked him out? Because him being comfortable was more important than my comfort. I even let him stay over and he didn’t wanna leave. He saw nothing wrong with what he was doing and even wanted to see me again. And I asked myself why I have this urge to be nice even to jerks like him. I blamed myself and that everything was my fault. But it wasn’t. 

Why I blamed myself

I was ashamed for such a long time until I found out that my people-pleasing ass is responsible for all that. That I always was responsible for others‘ feelings regardless of mine. That everyone has to like me and that I can under no circumstances make someone feel uncomfortable by expressing my needs, dislikes, opinion, or whatever. It shouldn’t have had come that far for me to find this out. 

Why am I writing this

I am sure I am not alone with that, that’s why I am writing this. Until today I haven’t called him out or filed a police report. I was just so sure not to be taken seriously and I didn’t find it that important. Because it was just about me and my body. I played it down, ignored it, and just distanced myself from myself and my body. 

„Maybe your trauma from that is, that you still don’t have access to process what happened,“ one of my dear friends said. I never thought about it that way. I just thought, it sounds bad, but it just wasn’t that bad for me. I am over it. 

Why I reacted that way

I am not over the people-pleasing though. It’s something we learn from childhood. When we wanted to please our parents into liking us and being that „good girl“ that doesn’t get loud, that doesn’t speak their mind, that is nice to everyone. We were conditioned so well, that this is so hard to get rid of. And I find this quite dangerous. It might take only seconds to a few minutes to identify a people pleaser and way too many people grew up that way. 

So how to overcome people-pleasing?

It’s not an easy one. It’s a lot of learning and unlearning.

1. Being okay with not being liked by everyone. That’s not possible anyways. And there’s no need to. 
   
2. Being okay with making someone uncomfortable. With your opinion, with taking up space, with expressing your wishes and needs. 
   
3. Taking care of yourself by checking in what you want and need and how you feel, when someone is entering your space. 
   
4. Becoming aware of your boundaries that are overstepped so often and expressing them.
   
5. Being okay with making others feel upset because of you stating your boundaries. 
   
6. Noticing what people were around you just because you had no boundaries and getting rid of any who will try to get the old you back.
   
7. Accepting that you aren’t responsible for others feelings or happiness. 
   
8. Starting this self love journey over and over again because you fell back into old patterns.
   
9. Noticing how far you’ve come and be proud of yourself. 
   
10. Getting professional help. Your mental health is important.