WTF is toxic shame?

I learned something new. I learned about toxic shame. 

Actually, I thought I was already very far in self-love, in accepting and understanding myself. And then I was dropped into a situation with my brother. We got on the bus and that is always a situation that I would like to avoid as much as possible. Since my brother is blind, stutters, and also speaks very slowly and quietly, and always fetches the ticket himself, I am always deeply ashamed and would prefer to do it all for him so as not to hold anything up and not to be „abnormal“.

Why am I ashamed?

That’s when I first realized that all my life that my reaction to this was not normal. It almost hurt me, so ashamed am I of myself or him in this situation. And then I thought further and lo and behold, I am ashamed very often. For things I have said, done, how I look or have looked when I am too loud or too much in the spotlight. And especially in front of several people, it makes me so uncomfortable and I start to sweat and get red in the face and my mind goes blank. I always tried to avoid social situations like that.

Shame as my most common reaction

I was completely unaware that shame was my most frequent reaction to so many things. Thinking about it, it only makes sense to be ashamed if you willingly hurt or harmed someone. It’s of use not to do stupid things or run around naked. Else there’s no need to be ashamed. Not for who you are. Not for how you look. Not even when you do or say something wrong. But I am. And it doesn’t just go away. It stays sometimes for months.

Where does the shame come from?

I wanted to know where it comes from. And it’s quite obvious: I was shamed a lot from all sides. From classmates, my mum, my boyfriends, my best friends, my enemies, my teachers, my grandmas, my doctors. And that’s where the idea came from that something is wrong with me that I have to be ashamed of. And it made me think, me as a person, I am inherently wrong. Mostly it was about the way I looked. Internalized fatphobia around me made it impossible to be okay in my body. And in consequence with myself. Because you aren’t allowed to be okay in a bigger body. 

Yes, I had a very questionable style of clothing as a child and in my teens and I was not a pretty teenager. Still, I took all the comments in, that I can’t make it right. It wasn’t even close to an idea for me, to feel okay. I was depressed, I felt out of place all the time. That shame got so far that I got very quiet in school, even though I was a loud kid.

Adult shaming

Fast forward as an adult it was mostly me who shamed myself and I did a pretty decent job with that. I developed social anxiety, that I only overcame by being around people all the time but that made me a complete victim of feeling embarrassed about myself all the time. I thought I am an embarrassment as a person.

What I did about my toxic shame

When I started to see all the patterns I started to work on my self-perception and self-love. And I thought I overcame it. I threw myself in uncomfortable situations like taking improv classes and going on stage, to rebel against this unbearable feeling. It became less. But sometimes it took me weeks or months to process something that I didn’t like about me on stage. It helped a lot that our improv teacher discussed our fears and that we should embrace our mistakes. „Dare to fail hard, “ he said and it was so difficult for us students to do. The fear of the mistake is so deep-rooted in us. And I had the expectation of myself that I can never ever make a mistake or blackout on stage because then I would be embarrassing and a complete failure. What some bullshit.

A mistake doesn’t make you worse as a person, a mistake doesn’t define you. You will be the only person that remembers that mistake for years, no one else. But if it’s hard for you to be okay do something wrong, you probably have been shamed for it too.

What I learned about toxic shame

I learned that I am not my shame and that I can slowly detach from it and let it go. Also, I detach from the opinion of others. That I don’t need or have to value their opinion. That makes it easier to accept me for who I am. Not my flaws, imperfections, or things that „I need to be embarrassed about“ are the things that are giving me my insecurities per se, it’s how I perceive them. I even go on stage now with very private topics and writing this blog now. For years I was so ashamed of publishing, even writing down my stories.

What are the symptoms of toxic shame

• You are trying to avoid social situations. If you live with people that you son’t know too good, you are trying to avoid them because you think you would be awkward.
• You are policing yourself. You’re not expressing your emotions and thoughts because you think they are inherently wrong or not important enough
• You remember and relive over and over again embarrassing situations you experienced
• You have physical insecurities that you think that everyone would notice
• You have secrets that you think are unforgivable

The cure

If you noticed that you have toxic shame as well, do this for yourself to get rid of it. It’s not that you need to do the extreme and go on stage with things you are embarrassed about. This also was a work of years for me, to be able to do that, and I am still not completely over it. But being aware of it is already a very big first step. Seeking professional help is always a good idea if you don’t want to be stuck in your awareness for so long as I did. I did try to get over it myself but was overeager and it needed a lot of self-compassion.  But, there’s nothing to be ashamed about. No matter what you look like or what you do, you deserve a space in this world for exactly who you are. You got this.