The excitement started when he suggested cutting off my arm and after that, there was no way back.
Gosh, our date started pretty boringly because there was quite forced small talk and nothing really interesting. I already thought about how I can get out of this date quickly. Even though I hoped he would never stop talking because he was from London and had that London accent, that I could die for. There was Bonaparte singing „I wanna fuck your accent“ in the back of my head. He was on his last day of holiday in Berlin and because he said so, I made my way into the center within two hours to see him. Yeah, that’s what I tend to do when a random Londoner shows up in Berlin. We noticed immediately our matching yellow jackets. He was a bit younger than me but his vibe and his appearance made him even younger. With his wide jacket and wide jeans, he made this hip-hopper impression. We made our way upstairs to the 40th floor of a hotel on Alexanderplatz to have a nice view over Berlin. I have never been there but I just knew it’s a better and cheaper way for a nice view over Berlin than the TV tower because you see the Tower from there. And it’s no view over Berlin when you can’t see the TV tower, duh!
And that’s where the whole date took a turn and became one of the funniest I ever had. I learned not to judge too quickly.
When it was then too windy and cold, we decided to leave again after sitting in relaxing chairs in the sun for a bit. We went back down and sat down in the lobby. He was an IT guy as well of course as if that’s even a question. I was making some moves with my arms back and forth to relax my muscles and he said he could offer me a massage. After two moves on my back, he said „I am sorry I have to cut off your arm, it’s dead.“ And that’s where the whole date took a 360 degrees turn and became one of the funniest I ever had. I learned not to judge too quickly. Some people just need some time to warm up.
Qualified to do so
I answered I think I would like to have a second opinion on that but he insisted to be the expert on cutting arms, he’s qualified to do so, it’s alright. I asked him how did he qualify for it.
Him: „I know how to cut my food, there’s just a small jump to cutting arms” Me: “Well then anyone could do it“
Him: „No, because I know how to sell it. Brexit is coming so if there’s no food coming from Europe anymore you must find strategies to survive and there’s a huge underground market for arms. Especially European arms are very popular. It’s European arms then Latin America arms, then other countries‘ arms“. He showed me the hierarchy with his hands.
Me: „Did you set up an online shop with those categories for it?“
Him: „No are you crazy? It’s totally underground and secret. Did you think they would be sold out there like normal meat? That there would be a department in Tesco for it? Pork, chicken, arms?“
Me: „I am sure that’s about to come a few years after Brexit“
Him: „Hm…Maybe“
Me: „Who are you in this process, will you get rich?“
Him: „No I am just paid for the service, I don’t sell it. It’s not about profit.“
Wtf just happened there?
All the way from a boring start to one of the funniest conversations I ever had. Usually, I get a vibe from the start or just lose one of my sarcastic comments and I know from the reaction if the humor is vibing.
Then it became quite „political“. I wanted to know why he was not looking for profit. He said he’s working for the government, trying to recruit good connections to Europe. He’s quite disappointed that I am not from Germany „but we can work with that“.
Him: „Who are the rivals of Austria? Hungary?“
Me: „No, I would say it’s just Germany. We don’t like each other. We have some history together or something.“ Him: „Oh so you could help us, Austria could come with us to form an alternative EU!“
Me: „The AEU?“
Him: „Maybe – what countries are you friends with?“
Me: „Hm I guess Switzerland, Slovenia, Czech Republic, Hungary, maybe Croatia?
Him: „Take them with you“
Me: „What will be the benefit of that?“
We all know this might have been a scam…
Him: „You are with us!“
Me: „So?“
Him: „I can make you the dictator of Austria. It will be Britain, Austria, the rest.“
Me: „What are your plans? I have to know who I am working with?“
Him: „..working for!“
Me: „Am I working WITH a power that will suppress us? Do I have to follow the orders? Do you want to rule the world?“ Him: „Working FOR! We can’t tell you but of course, you have to follow the orders. And you would have to pay us.“ Me: „Less than for the EU?“
Him: „No it will be more“
So the only benefit for me is that I might…maybe…become the dictator of Austria. He said I signed the deal already. We all know this might have been a scam…
We went back to his hostel to pick up his stuff because he would have to go straight to the airport. In a dark alley in front of the hostel, I had to kiss him. I brought him to the train station. I got to know that his bag was full of pink net shirts and tights because they planned to go to Kitkat but then didn’t. This is where our ways parted.
And when Brexit happened,
our countries broke up…
