Him_ „So how’s Berlin for you? I hardly see people smile here“. He just arrived in Berlin 2 weeks ago.
Me_ „Oh yes. They think you’re on drugs if you’re smiling.“
Him_ „Then I guess I am addicted.
Life is short and good.
I hope I’ll die from over-laughing.“
And yes, we were risking dying of that when we were together.
Well, how did all this beginn?
„I really liked your chin a lot but you really got my attention with the picture of your socks“, he wrote me on Tinder. Typical – my socks Marvius and Gondola always steal the show. But wow, what an original compliment about my chin. I was very sure that he was actually joking just to find out later that he was damn serious. He had a weird obsession with my chin, that I never understood.
Him_ „I can’t believe, you don’t hear more often how nice your chin is.“
Me_ „You have to. No one is appreciating my chin as much as you do.
But they say my little finger is nice.“
Him_ „I’ll have to bite it to see.“
Me_ „Bite??? I don’t know the biteability of my finger (nice word, ha?)“
Him_ „Yeah, to check if it has chocolate filling inside.“
Me_ „That I can promise. My body is filled with beer, Haribo and chocolate.“
It was one of those conversations that you want on Tinder: flirting, joking, and just can’t stop texting each other until 4 in the morning. It’s silly, it makes no sense, I love it.
Me_ „And no eye contact in the Ubahn!“ I said, back on the never smiling city Berlin topic.
Him_ „Yes, indeed no eye contact“
Me_ „But I am trying to break this rule, but people keep being irritated about it.“
Him_ „Next time just tell them, they have a tiny, invisible unicorn puking on their shoulder.“
Me_ „Hey that’s my story!“
We were both looking for an apartment in the city and I was quite frustrated at the moment about it because nothing sucks more in Berlin than the apartment hunt. The Relationship hunt is the easier one, trust me. He didn’t tell me though that the embassy he works in would pay for his apartment and that he will end up at a super expensive one in Mitte, in one of that fancy areas, that he just took over from his former colleague. A yes. He’s a diplomat. But his heavy metal man bun guy with a bike is far away from how I imagined a diplomat to look like.
Him_ „Could you take Marvius and Gondola with you?“, he asked me about my last apartment situation.
Me_ „No, I had to move out because of them.“
What about the unicorns?
Him_ „What are you doing for fun during the winter. Please don’t say swimming.“
Me_ „I don’t know what’s your problem with swimming but actually, that’s the last one on my list. Usually getting wet feet and drunk on Christmas markets, Bar hopping with awesome people until they kick us out, but of course, also riding unicorns and painting non-existing snowflakes.“
Him_“Come on, that makes no sense! Everybody knows you can’t ride a unicorn unless you have blonde hair growing out of your belly button.“
I don’t know where this was coming from and I definitely didn’t like it that this would soon become a recurring topic but it always made me think of a weird Japanese horror movie, where the hair of a dead girl kept growing out of everywhere and eventually killed the guy who tried to cut her hair over and over again.
Me_ „Correction: my blonde CURLY belly button hair. I comb them every day
and tell them a good night story.“
He knew that I always imagine in my head very vividly what people tell me. And he just loved to play with that to make me upset. Just 3 words: belly button sex.
Anyways, I am not a unicorn fan as I find it quite cheesy but that was what came out of my weird mind at 2 in the morning. I wasn’t expecting this story to continue.
Him_ „Don’t tell me, your unicorn is your half-brother.“
Me_ „no, it’s actually my step-sister.“
Him_ „I bet it doesn’t have an Austrian passport.“
Me_ „You’re right, she only has an invisible ID that glows in the dark.“
It was endless texts and voice messages, where he laughed so adorable like an opera singer, he had such a deep voice but just when laughing.
Waking up to his messages…
Him_ „Good morning“
Me_ Good morning.
Him_ „You better get out of bed and go to work. You have a few unicorn mouths to feed.“
Me_ „How do you know I am still in bed?“
Him_ „The characters you typed in got here in the vertical direction.“
Me_ „I am actually sick.“
Him_ „I heard alcohol kills all kinds of gems. Damn, I’ve heard, it even kills people.“
Me_ „But if it’s killing me that would actually be the opposite of healing.“
Him_ „You can’t have it all I guess.“
Me_ „Yes, especially when I’m dead I can’t have it all..“
Him_“I wouldn’t know if they have beer in unicorn paradise.“
Me_ „Of course. Running from the trees, where it’s brewed exactly into your mouth.“
„I hope I’ll see you soon, so I can hear you laugh and smile.
And maybe burp.“
Him_ „Do you have pets?“
Me_ „I have a visible little tiger (sneaky little bitch to be precise) and invisible kangaroos.“
Him_ „No way! I’ve heard they don’t grant licenses for those kinds of pets outside of Madagascar. So you’re basically a smuggler.“
Me_ „Nobody told me I cannot take them with me. They were just too cute. You can carry them in your bag and put your keys into their bags.“
I think we had just so much fun with our messages, that we almost forgot to meet in real life.
Him_ „I hope I’ll see you soon, so I can hear you laugh and smile.
And maybe burp.“
Me_ „I hope I’ll see you soon, so I can hear you laugh and smile.
Ladies don’t burp..“
Him_ „I might end up asking to touch your chin after a few drinks. Don’t mind my manners, I just wanna know if it’s real.“
Me_ „And then you will find out it’s all silicone.“ (laughing so hard to myself because of my fake tits. I always put hints here and there. But no one ever got it.)
Him_ „Oh but I forgot you are not real.“
Me_ „What?“
Him_ „No unicorn lady is real unless she burps during the last night of autumn.“
Me_ „Yeah, it’s already winter, so…“
And that’s where I learned, that actually, winter begins on the 21st of December.
Him_ „Ok, I must resist the urge to talk to you.“
Me_ „And I must resist the urge to fall asleep.“
She said and was knocked out a second later.
„I just hope our families don’t hate each other.“
Him_ „Please consider donating your organs when you die…and having a drink with me“, because I was getting sick. And he pointed out he feels a bit sick as well.
Me_ „So both dying..we got ourselves into a Romeo and Juliet situation here.“
Him_ „I just hope our families don’t hate each other.“
Drinking beer as a penality
So we met spontaneously the same night that we thought we both feel too sick to meet in one of my favorite craft beer bars. He checked google maps how to get there and said „there’s no unicorn riding transport option“.
Me_ „Because google isn’t ready for that“
Him_“Whoever gets there last has to drink beer as a penality“
Stop horse-flying and get a subway“
Me_ „No, a flying unicorn“
Him_ „I looked up to the sky but I see no horse“
Me_ „I already put them into my pocket. They are there to warm my ass.“
I thought we’ll meet at the station, so I was there first waiting for him. Because there was no trace of him, I got out 2 post-its and a pen and drew a unicorn on each of them to put it into my back pocket and laughed to myself for that weird idea.
Him_ „Alright, so I am calling Greenpeace. No one hides their creatures in the back pocket“
Me_ „No I won’t sit on them. That’s why Greenpeace loves me. Hosting stray unicorns.“
Him_“I bet you feed them gummy bears. No good.“
Me_ „Nah I am an animal lover. Beer and glitter chocolate for them.“
He was still figuring out how he gets there and got off the wrong station.
Him_“I’m there“
Me_ „Where? I am on the platform. This wasn’t your train, was it? Or are you the old man in orange?“
The actual date – finally
I went to brew dog and he eventually joined. I showed him my unicorns in my back pocket and gifted him one. I found out later that he kept it on his desk for quite a while. We were just smiling at each other and making up stories and laughing and drinking. It got quite late, like when we texted: 4 in the morning and we both had to work the next day. We left the bar and passed a Foto automat that are standing around in Berlin streets. He wanted to take photos of this magical night, so we got in and I set on his lap. We did stupid faces and in the last photo, we kissed and didn’t stop it. It was intense, so that we almost forgot, that our photo prints were ready.
I looked at the photos and just had the perfect idea.
He loved it. I need such people in my life who appreciate my nonsense.
He texted me not way later: „Gosh, just keep shining like that. „
Me_ „Actually you kept me smiling like that – oops, it’s shining, I mixed it“
Him_ „I hope I don’t fall asleep smiling and hurt my face“
Me_ „Smiling no hurt anyone…otherwise I would have heard that in the news“
Damn, how cheesy right? Don’t read any further if you believe, this could have been the perfect love story. For the reality check, read here on Gustavo II -(stay tuned)
