That’s something that sticks with me at the back of my head. In dating, I want things to be easy, no discussions, no detours, just to people getting closer. Well, don’t we all want „no drama“. But the problem with that is, that we might not speak up for ourselves because we think it would be „bitching around“. It could also be, that this term was used on you already. But keep in mind that we still are conditioned into stereotypical gender roles that keep that narrative alive.
„I always try not to complicate things, that I am basically okay with everything in the beginning, even when I am not. But this is actually the biggest bullshit. So I am at-bottom telling them from the start, that I will tolerate everything and that they can do whatever they want. It should be the other way around, that your standards are high, so they get used to that they can’t just treat you however they like“,
my dear friend recently told me.
It resonates with my „you show them how they can treat you“ reality. It’s not easy. When you like someone, you want them to like you back, sure. But you don’t have to accept everything just to please them.
Being easygoing also means having no boundaries at all.
The „you are not like other girls“ bullshit
I truly believed that I am „not like other women“. I don’t do drama, I am easygoing. What I didn’t realize was, that this actually wasn’t benefiting me at all. Being easygoing also means having no boundaries at all. Let others call it „bitching around“, when you express your boundaries or when you say what you are not okay with. I noticed that quite some people are not used to that. Sure, it depends on the way you verbalize it, but people aren’t always aware when they overstep boundaries. It doesn’t seem to be common sense at all. They don’t communicate as often and it gives you anxiety? You don’t want to be touched on the first date? That’s fine and you can talk about it. When you address it after it’s been overlooked for a long time, people get confused and don’t know where this is coming from.
What the hell am I doing to myself here?
Why am I perceiving women as bitchy and complicated?
Also, I started to question my own view of women. Why do want to be other than them? Why do I see them as „bitchy“ and „complicated“? Isn’t this basically saying as soon as I am expressing my opinions, wishes, beliefs, and standards it’s viewed as problematic, not welcomed, and unattractive? What the hell am I doing to myself here?
Why „no drama“ is a red flag
I had „I am no drama llama“ on my profile for some time until I understood what I am actually saying with this. Then I always swiped left on people who had „no drama“ on their profiles. It mostly translates even to „being submissive“. „Shut up and be at my service“. And: „Deal with every bullshit I am giving you“. Hell no. Well if that’s your thing, go ahead, who am I to judge, but for a balanced relationship of giving and taking, this might not be ideal.
Is it something I can live with?
Is the question I ask myself with things I come across in dating. Because you must assume that things stay the way they are. If you hope, things you aren’t a fan of will improve over time: 9 out of 10 times (not a scientific number though) it won’t.
Example: My need is consistent communication. Can I live with someone texting me every other week or telling me they call me and they don’t? No. But how should they know? So I tell them quite early what I expect. And I love it when someone is asking these questions right from the start. . Something like that is easy to adjust. If they do: wonderful. If they don’t without giving you a valid reason: it says a lot about them. Let them go.
