How it got to that point? Read Leo I – The clown eater and Leo II – The rollercoaster, if you want to know the back story, but this can also stand on its own as an episode of my ironic life.
It all went down at one point, after one year of „dating“ when he brought up this other woman he was seeing more and more. I was still very much in love with him and I saw him slipping out of my fingers, especially when he said she planned a birthday trip for him. When he came back I had to tell him that I had Chlamydia and he and his other woman should get tested too. He was very mature about it, not like some others that had called me names or blocked me. The other woman freaked out and so did the other guy she was seeing. She made him cancel on me because of it and I had the feeling, she becomes more and more important for him.
I decided in the meantime to end it with all other people I was seeing and just be sexually active with Leo anymore – because I saw STDs are no joke. Then he sends me a text saying he has to see if he will continue „dating“ me or not but hasn’t made a decision yet. Boom. I knew it had to do with the other woman. I panicked, I ran around in circles at home, my heart was jumping, I had a sick feeling in my stomach and just had to go for a run to calm down. Why the hell can he just write things like that? And without further explanation?
Bomb drop in 3,2,1
He met me for brunch over a week later. A very very tense week later. What a stupid idea. He really didn’t think twice about it because he dropped the bomb right in the beginning and I had a very hard time eating my full plate in front of me or staying at all for that matter. He said his other woman had some thoughts, provoked from the chlamydia incident.“She proposed to me,“ he said, even though I just told him I rather don’t want to know. Also, she thought it would be a good idea to move in together. My jaw dropped. Oh shit, he was serious. He laughed because he was so curious about my reaction. This would have been the last guess on my mind. And he was asking me for an opinion. As if I wasn’t involved at all in this whole situation. It just makes so much sense to marry for tax reasons. I laughed. They were both earning well. It would give them tax benefits if one of them was earning way less. And what about him not wanting to commit because it’s not for him? Oh, no worries, he is still a free man, he wanted to make me believe. He can also continue this with me, but only as a throuple. Uhm what? I should be the third wheel to his marriage? With the man, I wanted to myself? And that thought about ending it with me? This was the first time he didn’t insist on paying for me…
While it lasted
I laughed about it, how ridiculous this made him sound and how absurd he defended his „still not a couple“ thing. It’s still not a relationship but you are married? He was so keen on being fair and honest to me but I would have preferred not to know all this. It was a hard punch into my face that he’s actually ready to commit. Just not with me. That can happen, right? It was just not a fit for him as it was for me. No biggie. But damn this hurts. Still, I spent the whole day with him, and the next day. It felt like the bachelor party, also for me, the last escapade before all this is over. I tried to make him see and feel, what he misses out on when he doesn’t have me anymore and it was again a very intense time together. I just didn’t want to let him go. We have been so great together and we felt so close to each other, body on body laying on his mattress. We just enjoyed the moment while it lasted and the company of the other person by our side.
The bottom of the bottom
He said I should think about it, if I want to continue seeing him, not just as this throuple but also in this 3 months until she moves to berlin. I first said no, kissed him goodbye, and cried all my way back home. When my self-worth was hitting rock bottom again I texted him a week later that I changed my mind, and I still want to spend these 3 months with him. How desperate, I know. I knew I lost him already but I was again caught in the „hey, live in the moment, enjoy while it lasts“ thought and didn’t care if it would hurt in the aftermath but boy, I had no idea how low it can go. I said I would still like to meet him and he said „Oh, if you have to know, we already found someone for that arrangement“. Ouch. I have never been kicked out again after being kicked out. „I just feel so random now. Replaced in a minute.“ I texted him. He called me immediately after I wrote that. I cried so I didn’t want to pick. But he kept calling, so stupidly I answered. He didn’t understand why I was crying and that I play the „victim“ now after I told him I am out. It felt like my heart was trampled over by a million horses. Why horses? I don’t know.
