This one is long, (sorry not sorry) and intense. Pull out your handkerchiefs (for laughing and crying), prepare some hard drinks for the plot twists and bear with me, please. It’s a hell of a story.
I saw a pretty handsome guy in the tram on my way to work. He was dressed so nicely, business casual, black, bald, brown shoes. I was standing in front of him, trying to catch his attention with my eyes. He never looked up from his kindle. I remember that I thought in that moment: „these days, you have to go on tinder to find the people again you saw in the tram, you can’t just talk to them.“
Two weeks later I had a date with a guy who didn’t look like his pictures and didn’t look like the guy in the tram. But it was him.
How it all started
He told me right from the beginning that he was looking for „someone to have good sex with and have great debates on whether true cannibals eat clowns because they taste funny.“
I was still recovering from my first surgery and asked him if he can wait. He won’t regret it. „Because I have more theories about eating clowns.“
Me_ „Sure they would eat clowns. It’s like the same as we eat popping candy.“
Him_“This shit is from hell. Even the devil was like „this is too evil to give it to humans“
Me_“I have to admit I didn’t have popping candy since university, where you need to have it with vodka. Oh, I know what we’re doing when we meet.“
Him_ „Oh with vodka! Stop tempting me, devil. I know it’s you hiding behind that beautiful face.“
Me_ „I am not the devil, I just like to lead into temptation.“
Him_ „Of course, the devil denies being the devil. That makes him more devilish.
Me_“Damn. I know it was too risky. Can you please not be that smart ass?“
Him_ „Well I tripped and my ass fell into something smart. I am okay now I brushed it off now.“
Me_“Oh I am so sorry. How disgusting having something smart stick to the ass. Good you got rid of it.“
Him_“I knew something was wrong… People looking at me all impressed and all.“
Me_“See? Awful.“
Him_ „And now I will go shake that dumb ass on the dancefloor and try to impress people.“
Me_“If you can even impress with a dumb ass then it’s a hell of an ass you got there. So I hope so for you then. On my side: I can do that, so..“
Him_“Oh well what I can say I got the technique…since you can also: I will challenge you on the dancefloor. Better be ready, I always go all out.“
Me_“Challenge accepted. No biggie for me.“
Hah. Back then I didn’t know that he was actually a salsa dancer. I would have lost that challenge.
Popping candy
Me_“I looked for popping candy today. They didn’t have any.“
Him_“Of course. Drugs are illegal in Germany. Well, maybe not in Berlin.“
Me_“It’s Berlin. No one cares. You get that unicorn shit on every corner, why not popping candy (I always tend to write pooping candy“
Him_“Now that is a fitting name indeed. Maybe that was the original name.“
Me_“Who poops it? Elves?“
Him_“Unicorns I would suggest.“
Me_“No, they poop ice cream“ (Video of Squatty Potty- search it if you don’t know it)
Him_“No wonder I am not into ice cream. I’ll buy the squatty thing for personal research purposes. Maybe I can make ice cream too. And be rich.“
Me_“The same way as the unicorn?“
Him_“Exactly. Eat and make ice cream. Life is yours, baby.“
Me_“Then make sure you eat colorfully“
Him_“Pooping candy?“
Me_“For example. And a lot of skittles (taste the rainbow)
What about the dwarfs?
He talked about how he likes dwarfs and centaurs of the fantasy book he’s reading. I asked if they are the left-handed dwarfs who kidnapped me.
Him_ „No worries, I am actually buddy with those dwarfs. I did them a big favor now they owe me. The ones you have to watch out are the cross-eyed ones, perverts all of them, they only talk about boobs and panties.“
Me_“What big favor? Now we’re talking. As long as the dwarfs only talk and not grab they are no threat to me.“
Him_“Oh long story, I plan to write a book or 2 about it. I don’t know if they are the grabby type. Probably because I have no boobs.“
Me_“Oh come on. You can’t leave me curious AF here. I suspect it has something to do with my kidnapping? Was it all you behind it? Have I just met the mastermind behind it?
Also. Noted. Something new to know about you: Leo has no boobs.“
Him_“Disappointed?“
Me_“Of course. I also need something to play with.“
Him_“You will have something to play with.“
Me_“Yes yes all that promises. You don’t even have boobs. How should I believe this?“
Him_“Because I am like a magician and I will rise to the challenge.“
Me_“What else can this magician do?“
Him_oh come on, a magician never reveals his tricks.“
Me_I asked to show off what you are able to do. Not how. And don’t tell me about those sawed virgins.“
Him_“OMG, how do you know about those?“
Me_“That would just make you a standard magician… with all those dead bodies in the basement.“
Him_“Well I cloned them in the first place. Easier than dealing with disappearing real ones.“
Me_“See? I told you I am dealing with the mastermind here.“
Don’t let it die
How I brought our conversation back after a week of silence? Of course with something like this:
Me_ „There’s something like a glitter overdose. My purple zebra sniffed too much. Did you know? Now it’s puking neon shoes all the time.“
Him_ „That explains all the neon shoes I see these days.“
Me_ „Berlin will be drowned in neon shoes by then, watch out.
I use „watch out“ a lot. What a caring person I am.
You miss nothing here. I just had my first night out and I am high of happiness.“
Him_“caring person or scaring others?“
Me_“Huh. I never noticed the caring in scaring. So it’s the same. The S stands for Simone, right?“
And so our time has come after almost a month of texting.
Him_ „I am back in Berlin. City of gremlins. How’s your zebra doing? Still sniffing?“
Me_„I am the queen of these gremlins.
He’s alright I guess. When he sees me he throws himself on the back, tries some spinning and screams „huuii the moon is my eyeball“- I think that’s normal behavior.“
Him_“He sounds okay.“
The day of the date
Me_“Can you promise me something though?“, I asked right before the date. „Can you please not look so gorgeous in real life than on your picks? Highly appreciated.“
Him_“I will try. I hate makeup though – to look less appealing. I can put in crooked vampire teeth.“
Me_ „Not even red balloon lips? I am disappointed.“
So he came without the balloon lips but with a chilled french beverage, I could never recall. I brought popping candy and vodka. Because I found it funny. He was not as excited about it as I was. More like „I knew you would“. Actually, he told me not to because he was a „recovering addict“ of popping candy.
Me_ „Shit. Did you have to go to rehab?“
Him_“No. I just replaced it with something else (not telling)“
We all know what he meant. And because I just like to destroy the obvious:
Me_“Mystery man. You can’t drink ponies. Not under my watch.“
Him_ „You seem to know me too well. Who’s your spy.“
Me_ „No spy. Just impressive knowledge about people. I can even tell that you are a man just by looking at your pictures.“
Him_ „Amazing. That’s a real talent. You definitely should apply for the Guinness book of records“
Me_ „I know I know. There’s a record for that already. Hard competition. It’s about knowing the gender just by looking at the genitals. Very impressive.“
Him_“Well I am impressed. Since you didn’t even have a look at my genitals.“
Me_ „Huh…true.“
Sorry I just can’t stop putting our dialogs up here, because I just laughed so hard reading them again. Bear with me.
Me_ Did you forget to wind up the sun? That was your part.“
Him_ „He wasn’t available today. Busy tanning Caribbean people I guess.“
I just noticed that he said „he“ to the sun because it’s male in French „le sol“ and female in German „die Sonne“.
Me_ „He can do that here as well. You can find a bunch of Caribbeans here as well“
(I was referring to the hottest man alive (until date)
Him_ „But he can’t be everywhere. Never bothered to ask really.“
Me_ „I don’t ask him to be everywhere – just around me is enough. That’s the least I can ask for. I think he laughs at me now. Just saw him smile.“
Him_ „You guys are old lovers then. He is just being jealous of me meeting you I guess.“
Me_ „Oh I wasn’t thinking of him being the jealous type. I hate jealousy – but it makes sense…so the risk better be worth it.“
Him_ „What’s life without risk…I knew you were the adventurous type.“
Me_“That’s what the test says yes…that or just mad. Nobody really knows.“
Him_ „Well mad is better than boring I say.“
Me_“I hope that’s you as well.“
The date
It was the dark lord that told him to chase ducks, it’s not his fault, he said when I asked why he would chase the cute mother and baby ducks of the pond in front of us.
„Who his your dark lord?“, I asked
Him: „I don’t know, I am just following his commands.“
Me: „Does he wear a black helmet?“
Him: „No he wears pink, I actually don’t know why he’s called dark lord“.
I had to laugh so hard on that. „Maybe he lives in my fridge then, because my fridge is pink“, I said.
The talks of our first date are coming in flashbacks back to me and make me laugh again and again. This was the best night on sarcasm I ever had. We met at „Platz der Vereinten Nationen“ – the place of united nations what I told him is the best place to meet…me thinking because he’s French and I’m Austrian. But he was like „I am more a fan of to unite. Sounds good.“
He looked different than how I imagined him. In his pics he had hats and a nose piercing and big platin rings on his fingers. That wasn’t there. I would have liked that. Instead, he leaned on the stairs waiting for me with a light blue shirt. He needed some time to find his way into my sarcasm, he was a bit uncomfortable at first. He was surprised that I was earlier than I said and I said I took the express tram. I was proud of myself to come up with sarcasm from the beginning because I was not sure if I can really do that. We sat down at a pond with a fountain, pretty idyllic. I felt comfortable from minute one, though he was never saying anything nice or compliments towards me. He didn’t even watch me closely I would say. That was a bit new to me.
„Let’s make the sun jealous again.“
And right on the next day
Him_ „I had a great time with you yesterday (secret hint)
Me_ „I am immune to secret hints. You have to hit me in public with a shovel that I understand.“
Him_ „Huh, I have never hit a woman…well except in the bedroom.“
Me_“So you are only free on Thursdays you sad? Or to make it clear: When can I see you again? And what excuse do I need for that?“
Him_ „Hm to finish the vodka? Thursday is good and also today.“
Me_“Thursday is so far away. Who said Thursday anyways.“
Him_ „Right, must have been a joke.“
Me_ „Let’s make the sun jealous again.“
I just notice now the cheesiness in our convos. But isn’t it hach…“schein“??
He told me he would have found it weird if I would have approached him on the Tram.
The second date
„I have to ask you a very important question“, I said right away when we met again at his tram station to go to Weißensee together.
Him: „Uh that sounds serious – I’m not pregnant.“
Me: „Ah no. Such tasteless questions I won’t ask. Do you have a pink sweater?“
Him: „Yes“
Me: „You wear it with a scarf?“
Him: „when it’s cold.“
Me: „And you take the M8 to go to work?“
Him: „I can. Yes.“
I told him exactly what I thought back then when I saw him on the Tram.
He told me he would have found it weird if I would have approached him on the Tram.
Good that I didn’t. I noticed it was him by the station he got off. I found out it’s actually not very likely to catch him in the morning on his way to work. Usually, he goes way earlier than me, and also he has like 4 options and a Tram every 5 minutes to get there. Funny enough that I met him on the Tram again and again though.
We walked around the lake for ages, passed naked people, set down, drank. He told me about the orgies he was participating in in Paris. Such a normal thing to do as a student in Paris, he said.
The ideas for our dates came so naturally. I planned to go to a lake every weekend, to get a holiday vibe. He was a fan of the idea. So we headed to Weißensee, the closest lake to us.
There was a firework and I was about to enjoy it, when he thought this was the perfect moment to kiss me.
The moment I met my purple zebra
When it was quite late, I had the urge to pee. Little did I know that these would become legendary stories one day. On the first date, I had already crossed all my lines about peeing in public and him waiting for me. I always had the story in my head, when my coworker and I passed an American lady, Peeing waterfalls in the middle of the street at a house entrance. She started screaming when she saw us. It will never leave my head again.
Because it was getting pretty urgent, I just entered the open-air cinema that was closed for the public and went straight to the bathrooms there, with the stares of all the people partying there. On my way, I passed: a purple zebra! It was just standing there as a statue and I was thrilled AF. I showed Leo and he smiled but he couldn’t care less. I needed to take pictures with my purple zebra and the people were still staring at us. Usually, I am quite self-aware. But I was so hyped that I made up a purple zebra and I found it…with Leo, who knew about it.
We found a quiet spot on the lake, it was already pretty late and dark. From here we saw all the colorful lights on the other side of the lake, reflecting in the black blanket that was the water. There was a football match going on and some team won. Look at my decent interest in football. There was a firework and I was about to enjoy it, when he thought this was the perfect moment to kiss me.
Third date
Messages
Me_“Donald Tram (aka M8) is a bitch. Late for work because it doesn’t show up. It’s been 30 minutes now. Aww cute. A car pulls the Tram. It can’t run on its own.
Him_ „Oh really? I left before it happened. Did you help pushing?
Me_ „I would never touch Donald Tram.“
Him_ „It’s for a good cause.“
Me_“Well I rather go for the good cause of making us both laugh again. That’s for the best cause.“
Him_ „Yes definitely a better cause. I would even say it’s a must.“
Me_ „It works best if we are both at the same time at the same place I would say.“
As we were both always busy it was really hard for us to find a date to meet again. I started to plan around him to make it possible but it was always a pain in the ass.
He said he was looking for the perfect place all week and was trying different ones just not to disappoint me.
Into the Wilderness
This time it was his turn to choose and I wasn’t expecting this wild beauty in the middle of Berlin.
He said he was looking for the perfect place all week and was trying different ones just not to disappoint me. Though it was meant as a joke it was really cute.
We decided to walk from his tram station and he asked me if it was ok. I said I’m ready for hiking and I didn’t know that it was really a hike. we were climbing a few hills to the top just finding out that there is nothing. Not a nice view and not a nice place. He was irritated that this place was going by the name park, though it was mostly forest and wilderness, not trimmed grass. It was Volkspark Prenzlauerberg that I hadn’t even noticed on the map yet. I was going on about lions or perverts that will jump out of the thicket. „More likely mice lions“, he said and in my head, there were cute mice wearing a lion’s mane on their head just like these cute cat pics.
But we found our place at the last spot of sun for this day on the top of a hill and could just watch the sun disappearing behind the trees with wine and a picnic blanket. It got cold fast and I wasn’t prepared for that. And of course, again, I had to pee. I was starting to make a subject out of it. Saying I hired someone asking me at the door when I’m about to leave if I’ve been to the toilet and also that he has this effect on me, that when I meet him I instantly find myself wanting to pee.
There were other people around so I invited myself back to his place which wasn’t far. I told him I was sure I saw his toilet made out of gold and shining and even blind my eyes because it was such a big place of desire.
His apartment was already furnished in an old-fashioned style. It was all made of wood but likely from the 80s or 90s. It looked like someone died in there. He didn’t have a double bed and I was about to tell him that these are things he can’t write on his tinder profile. I knew that when we are going back to his place, we would end up having sex but it was maybe quite intended from my side. And I put on the fancy underwear.
He told me, he is taking his time because he wants to get to know that person first. He cannot have sex with a stranger. He told me he liked the view he had from behind. I was even squirting, not noticing it first – and what should I say, we were so perfectly sexually compatible. He could go on all night he said. That’s something I won’t get used to I think. But I would always want more. We ordered pizza. That long intense session in the middle of the night made us hungry.
„How dare you? You know so well that I love people who love cold pizza for breakfast!“
Little things
I started seeing and appreciating the little things he did. Like ordering the same pizza as I did because he was impressed by the enthusiasm I had when I saw that there was a pizza with an egg on it. Because I hardly ever see that here and he said he never had an egg on his pizza so he will try and order it blindly. Not even just taking a bite from mine, but having his own. That’s something so simple and maybe not important at all but I was fascinated. Maybe because my average pool of men just wouldn’t do that. Also that he took his time and did not push me. Kissing me the first time on the second date. He clearly blew my mind. I feel special in his presence even though he’s never even saying anything to me. Our dates were magical, time was always flying with him.
When I left at like 4 in the morning, he got dressed and brought me to the Tram station. Even though he was already half asleep. This would have always been too much to ask for but he didn’t even ask. I didn’t want to leave but I didn’t feel comfortable staying. Still, I found the idea of waking up with him very delightful.
Him_ „Just ate all the cold pizza by the way“
Me_ „For breakfast? How dare you! You know so well that I love people who love cold pizza for breakfast“
I told him my bad date story with the swiss guy.
Him_ „It was too tempting…all your fault leaving it there for me“
Me_ „It was a trap“
I might have put a hint in there that I am slowly falling for him.
Me_ „Am I an alien?“ I asked him and sent him the photo he took of me where it looked like I am floating.
Him_“I can totally confirm you are human. I had a really close inspection.“
Me_“You’re really sure? You didn’t inspect under that aspect – or was it all just to find out if I am human?“
Him_“Not under that aspect but I still can confirm.“
Me_“I need to know for sure…you better look twice“
Him_“Absolutely, I doubt even twice won’t be enough.“
Me_“ Yeah I guess it’s really hard to tell…“
Flirting with him was so easy and came always so naturally.
I knew he liked me and I loved the way I am with him. Usually, when I like someone I get all awkward and say the wrong things. With him I had the confidence, to think that I actually was the person he was searching for.
Suddenly, all my other dates were not interesting anymore. But I still tried to give him some space. I see that he was not that keen on being in touch with me as often as I wanted him to. I died a million deaths, the time in between our dates. And we met every one or 2 or more weeks. I didn’t want anyone to be responsible for my mood or if I am happy. But he definitely was.
Sounds awesome right? Well, if you want to stay in that cotton cloud, please don’t read Leo II – The rollercoaster and definitely not Leo III – How Chlamydia made her propose.
