Leo II – The rollercoaster

If you missed all the good stuff, go and read Leo I – the clown eater. Here you’ll find out what happens if you don’t believe a man who says he doesn’t like commitments.

Fifth date

I don’t know what it is about him that makes me fly. He’s easy with everything and doesn’t ask questions.

He sees me that I don’t care about what other people think and don’t know where he has that impression from…other he thought that I am fearless…and going for it even though it could hurt…hmm… After meeting that often we still don’t know much about one another. I know some people better on first dates than him after 5 but it’s because we use to talk so much shit and argue so long about anything that mostly doesn’t matter.
I got so much in my head. I decided that we finally climb up to that really nice tower I discovered in Humboldhain that we haven’t found the last time we’ve been there and I wanted to show it to him. It was two connected concrete towers with that rustic look and a marvelous view. We almost didn’t make it to still see the sunset and we sat down on the floor. I love that place to the core. So I had to go there with him. Also to tell him that I want more.

Truth be told

He said „Well I am not in love if you mean that. I appreciate your company and your character and I care about you.“ I said I don’t know if I should invest further in this. „Well, I have to say this. My time is the most precious time I have and I chose very carefully who to dedicate it to. And people I spend time with are worth it.“ I felt a bit special, then found it super arrogant to say, but then again he is in control of his time, which everyone should be.
Me: „Ok so I have to find out if that is enough for me…I mean caring about me is important for me – when I consider what I need, I think I just need to be important to someone“.
Him: „You’re not anyone to me, I wouldn’t spend time with you if you would…when I say I care about you I really mean it. I just want to be with people I even see myself caring afterward when it’s not working out“.
Though his words are echoing in my head and make me happy it’s still a „he doesn’t have feelings for me“. „Can it grow?“ I asked and he shrugged his shoulders. Then I asked to get some space because this was too hard for me.

Like a boomerang

That’s how I thought things would end. But because my life is a „Isn’t it ironic“ soundtrack, I met him in the Tram, the moment when I already stopped looking for him every day at his stop if he was getting on. We had a bit of a talk and a long stare in the middle of the station where people were rushing past us. He kissed me. It was so unexpected and intense in my perception and I was full on again. I texted him that I need to catch up on that intense kiss. He said, „yes I still get goosebumps thinking about it.“ A text that made my day, only to find out later that he actually was being sarcastic because he thought it was quite a short in-between kiss.

Seventh date

I told him to get vodka and watermelon. And I will take care of the „witches brew“ and cook.
Him_ „The fruit?“ I was irritated by that question
Me_“Yeeees the fruit. It’s round and green and doesn’t listen to the name Howard.“
He somehow didn’t know watermelons, only other melons, and of course: He brought the wrong one.

Eighth Date

Him: „I’m always careful to not get drunk around you because I never know what you do to me, maybe you take me to your planet Jupiter then“
Me: „Jupiter? You think I live on Jupiter? You have no idea.“
Him: „What’s the name of your planet then? B3482?“
Me: „That’s maybe the registration number. But I already told you where I am from – Austria! That’s the name, nobody asks questions because we named a country after it. It’s so genius! And if they ask where exactly, I still say Graz, because that’s the name of the tank I live in. We don’t have cities. I don’t understand that stupid structures here on earth, they make no sense.“
Him: „Yeah you can move a tank easily around and move to another place, that’s convenient. You see, that’s some serious talk – I show interest in where you come from!“
He said that because I complained once that we don’t get to know each other when we only talk shit….well…

We went to the „penguin park“ in Lichtenberg as I call it – because I keep saying that there are penguins living. It’s a stone statue of two penguins on the pond. I wanted to say hi
Me: „they are my 3rd pet “
Him: „who is your second pet?“
Me: „my purple zebra of course, but he hates to be called pet“
Him: „Yes, that’s why I didn’t count him in“
I love them.
Me: „Look, they are still in love, facing the water, how romantic“
We sat down next to them on my picnic blanket facing the pond with a beer. Because it started to rain the goldfish were jumping out of the water. We talked about them training pole-vaulting for the Olympics – everyone knows the goldfish Olympics right? The poles are missing so they just began their training and are not that far yet.

XXth date, I forgot to count

It’s a fucking game we play and I try to keep holding up, this drawing closer, getting some distance.
I am aware I play with fire and my helpless actions not to be too close but to make sure he knows that I’m special and caring. If I am only…But he doesn’t really seem to care, or not as I would want it…and I think that’s the reason why I am so into him. I tried to distract myself with other men and it was so mean because they don’t even have a chance. The date with the Mexican was similar awesome as the first one with Leo but I’m still not interested. And when I have time to think about it it all makes no sense. Because I don’t want to lose my freedom or actually a relationship, but I want him and I think even exclusively. I am not sure if I should just give him a bit more time because we don’t know each other that well, but I also think, if it didn’t happen until now, it will never happen. I was on and off to end it but every time we see each other it’s too good to just end it.

Birthday muffins

Leo told me the night before I wanted to cancel our meeting that it will be his birthday the day after. So I got up though I was still a bit sick, baking muffins for him – girlfriend material, right? Right??? On the phone then with Stockholm treasure, I burned them. The next morning I made another badge, early morning before heading to the doctors and before going to work. Yes, this might be the earliest I ever got up for someone else. My coworker said it’s too much, too girlfriend-like and that’s why I got really nervous about his reaction. He wanted to go to an after-work hip-hop clubbing and I told him I have to show him something. He knew that it was supposed to mean a surprise. He was delighted and said thank you a few times (at first he didn’t even get that I made them). The date was awesome, he was very intense and boyfriend-like in his actions, we kissed a lot and he was always holding my hand or hugging me. In my eyes more than it ever was before but I can be wrong. I mean he’s always very boyfriend-like when we meet and very fuckbuddy like when we don’t. We walked through the city instead of going to the party and passed all the main sights from Alexanderplatz to Museumsinsel. Being with him I forgot to care about the people around me.

The thing with Leo

I really wanted to meet him before I go to London to „break up“ with him again. I thought it’s better that way because it is eating me alive that I can’t have him. I heard somewhere that you should believe a man when he says he doesn’t want to commit but I was clinging onto this little straw called hope. I asked him about a status update and he said nothing really changed since we have last talked. I said I need that because I really want to know if he thinks something can develop or not. He said he can’t say because he can’t look into the future. „But my opinion stays the same. I find you are an amazing person and I enjoy the time we have together and if something changes I let you know.“ He said all that nice things about me and that „I have feelings for you but not as much as I would wish for I guess and sure our relationship grows and grows, the better we know each other but it’s unclear for me if it could lead to something.“
We spoke about how I hate his rare texts when we are apart and he says that’s a common issue, he lives in the moment and dedicates his time to that moment so that he doesn’t even think about anything else. And that is another point, where he reminds me so much of my ex-boyfriend and I always tried to understand it but I really can’t. Because my feelings are always with me. When I miss someone it pops up at least every other minute in my head and I think about that person or feel what I am feeling. So it’s really not understandable for me. „Leo but I don’t want that“. The next day he texted me and I felt his compassion in it but it stopped the day after. And in my head I was struggling with „Can I really live with that?“…but I decided that evening not to break up, to play with the fire, and to give it a try.
The funny thing is, that I was not as much thinking about him as I thought and that made me decide to pause it with him after I got back. My plan was to pause all my dating and find time for writing but I got to know he just needed one day to „replace“ me. I am still not over that part.

And now?

„If I would be allowed to decide, I would have ended it now,“ that guy tells me, and he could definitely hear my heart breaking in a thousand pieces, that’s how loud it was for me. Because he saw my struggle when he told me that he thought it was over and he started to date another girl. Of course, I thought it would be like that but he just accepted that it was over? Dude, that is the opposite of what I hoped would come out of my time off from him. I was clearly disappointed. On this night I wasn’t hiding anything but my surgery from him anymore. And it was relieving though I wasn’t sure if there was an advantage or disadvantage of that. „Why haven’t you ended it then?“, he asked, when I told him about my plans to end it before London. „I just don’t want to lose you“, I replied, looking or staring deep into his eyes. He tells me that how the person treats him is more important for him as to how she feels about him. So the muffin surprise for his birthday was clearly something positive for him. But it seems I really cannot break his shell. How can it be so hard to get his heart? He loves the time together and thinks I am amazing but he can’t fall in love with me? Sure I can’t force feelings and I think it will be the worst if I start to try. I don’t want to start acting on him, that will just chase him away. It should be okay for me that he dates others, I do that too, but I feel jealousy coming up.
Me: „I know that you’re not responsible for my happiness but you influence it massively, I am not in control of that“.
Him: „It’s still you, it’s on your side, that it makes you happy being with me.“

Worn out quickly?

„I never had a first date where I laughed so hard“, he said, but where are our stories now? Where are our pink dark lord and our little ducks in pajamas? „We just got to know each other better“, he replied. That is no excuse. Did I get so serious?
„I always felt there is a special aura surrounding you and that everything you say or do is very natural“, he continued – come on how can you not fall for a guy who says things like that? I really love the person he sees in me and I want to keep up that image but I see how it cracks and how I just become a maniac around him. And maybe that chased him away in the end. Things may be quickly worn out once you get to know that person better. Maybe.

Addicted

After releasing my feelings and stopping to always be my best, I also start more and more that he is not even the guy I want. The time we spend is once in a lifetime and I don’t even know why but the more the pink vision subsides the more I see that he’s just a normal guy that loves to contradict and is not even trying anymore to be special for me. The sex is still great but he hardly lets me variate it and so it gets boring as well. Already! But noticing all this and trying to get him out of my head didn’t help. I was really addicted to this man! So dragging along with all that we had made me even more miserable but I couldn’t let it go. We were on and off and every time I thought I was over him, I met him again on the Tram and we started seeing each other again. It was like the most pleasurable curse.

If you had enough up and downs and heart attacks, this next one Leo III – How Chlamydia made her propose is not for you.