Say „Hi“ let’s get to know each other, you never know, we might end up being best friends one day,
he wrote on his profile and we both had no idea that this would be true one day.
Of course, it is a weird thing to search for friends on tinder. But from day one he seemed like someone you are just comfortable with.
We texted for quite some time but we never met. One evening I saw one guy in the S-Bahn that could have been him. His hairstyle and his glasses are not an everyday thing – shaved on the side, ponytail on top, thick round glasses, darker skin, Tattoos, round face. Very outstanding and that’s why I swiped on him in the first place, he just looked so cool. This special guy with the special name just caught my attention. So I texted him to see, if it’s the guy sitting in front of me, that I can call Calvert. The S-Bahn stopped because of a disruption, so I got out and watched him through the window like a creep. Everyone was distracted by the guy that just collapsed and was unconscious lying in the S-Bahn. Just not me.
How we finally met
Me_ „Hey what are you doing?“
No response. And the guy I suspected to be Calvert didn’t look at his phone. It could be him! But I really don’t want to embarrass myself. We all had to change S-Bahn and I tried to be near him to watch. I thought if it was him it wouldn’t have been a bad catch. Both trains weren’t moving.
Finally, Calvert replied „On my way home“
It’s him?
„By bike and then changing to S-Bahn“
It wasn’t him
But wait? S-Bahn?
Me_ „Where do you want to take it? I am at Alex, there’s no train leaving the station“
Him_ „Ostbahnhof“
…
Him_ „There’s no train“
Me_ „That’s what I’m saying!“
I asked him where he was just to know if it’s concerning him that on both sides there’s no train leaving.
Me_ „Oh I will pass Ostbahnhof“
Him_ „There’s a train coming. S3, is it yours?
Me_ „No I’m in S7 – are you taking S3?“
-No answer-
Him_ „I see an S7″
I was super tired but it was such a nice coincidence that I got off the train at Ostbahnhof.
I saw him getting in, ran to the other coach, and entered again next to him. He was pretty surprised. So that’s how we met the first time. We were so enthusiastic about seeing each other for the first time that we didn’t care that there was a woman screaming at us all the time. We got off Ostkreuz and went to a bar.
Berlin Besties
So so, I thought, the most precious things you find off tinder are friendships like those. We were beer buddies, loved the same bars and beers, and met there to catch up every month or so. Mostly we just texted and it became a regular thing that we texted every day. I always felt so free and comfortable around him and we became quite important to each other quite fast. I think I just love the shit out of him. And I became his closest friend. Someone who had the honor to be in his second Johari window.
But things happened. He sometimes just disappeared for a week or two. Was online but didn’t reply to my messages. I & my attachment issue didn’t like that. If someone is choosing to ghost me it feels like they left me. He said he’s handling things like that and he’s sorry. But his apologies didn’t come easy, I had to tease them out of him. There was one time when we were supposed to meet and he didn’t reply anymore for a week. I just couldn’t understand that. He didn’t even cancel, didn’t read his messages, and didn’t pick up the call. I started stalking him and saw he also wasn’t active on Facebook anymore. I was worried AF and also stalked his ex-wife. I found it weird that she had a picture of both of them as header image. Eventually, he posted a picture on Instagram and I slit into his DMs with an „ah you are alive, good to know“. He said his phone broke and he had just forgotten about our meeting. He was in Tanzania on Safari. All good. Later when we met, I confronted him with the picture of his ex-wife and he said „we don’t use Facebook anymore“.
What about trust though?
Aaaand of course, way later he told me, they’re still married and living together. He isn’t happy with it for some years now but his family (and also his lazy ass) are pressuring him to stay. That’s why he always had a weird story about his roommate’s girlfriend, being that bossy that she doesn’t want anyone to come to his house. I asked again and again about that story because I found it so fishy and it only got weirder. I just let it go at one point. But he told me again and again that he’s honest. He knew that he will never get my trust again when he lies to me. Still, he chose to do it.
If there was something between us, you may ask? For a long time I was very sure there wasn’t.
Just friends
Also about really only being a friend. I addressed it from time to time how important it was to me, that he sees this as a friendship because he often texted me with „hey beautiful“. Even though he broke my trust by not telling me about his wife and lying to me, he was way too important to me to make that a deal-breaker. He kind of tried to neglect my feelings about it. He is an avoidant of course. All this time I thought he doesn’t get how much it hurt me, but it was rather that he couldn’t bear the thought of hurting me.
If there was something between us, you may ask? For a long time I was very sure there wasn’t. But was I really? I called him my Berlin Bestie and when I asked myself why he’s so important to me, I thought he was giving me that stability, that I need so that I can be okay being in Berlin on my own. Until he was not. But I ignored that fact. We once met in a club where one of his friends was DJaying. I brought a friend along and we just were dancing and had a good time with all the friends, also smoking. Later we sat down in the corner, tired from the night. I laid my head down on his shoulder and he put his chin down to hold me. It felt so good. There was definitely a moment and we found out later that we both wanted to kiss at that moment. But we didn’t.
So he got away with it again. Only people who are so close to me get away with all that.
The stars didn’t align
Fast forward to my birthday in 2019 I only wanted to celebrate with him. I just got back from a disappointing trip to New York, had just the burden of getting over the betrayal of my sublet, and was used by two many men for their pleasure. I just wanted to have one good and genuine person around me and I wanted it to be him. He ghosted me that night of my birthday and I was sad AF. It ruined my birthday in addition to another fucked up guy messaging me and I was just getting drunk and crying that night. He never explained why, didn’t apologize and just said, „The stars didn’t align“ – yeah, sure, WTF. I made him apologize but he stayed silent for the next weeks, even though he said he would make up for it. Then he went to India and we only met months later, when he came back. We were day drinking and I was super sad about my boyfriend Gabriel breaking up again with me at that time. He was giving me comfort and I think it was one of our best meetings ever. So he got away with it again. Only people who are so close to me get away with all that. As much as it makes no sense in hindsight when I am writing this, I think it was only human to be addicted to other humans like this. I hated the fact that he could just hurt me and come back anytime like this. He might have had a similar problem. He once said, when we were standing outside our favorite craft beer bar in the dark, him smoking, me freezing my ass off, that he could easily say goodbye to a lot of people without blinking twice but not of me. He would come back every time.
And he did
With my self-realizations, I was distancing myself from him. I wanted to come to the point of not needing him anymore. I was successful for a bit, kinda replaced him with another friend. He came back into my life on a very irregular basis and mostly when he was drunk. Over the years I always tried to find out when he drunk texted me if he liked me. I was never successful with that but always make fun of it me being his drunk text person. Maybe this mystery of not knowing if he’s into me or not kept it sparkling as well. And maybe the way he liked me was something I wanted around me. Maybe I kinda knew it all that time. And just when I found out, that I choose to have guy friends around me who worship me, I am having this conversation with him after sending some kissing emojis back and forth, like we regularly do.
„Are you saying you are into me or are you messing with me?“
Confessions I
Me_ We have a lot of kisses today
Him_ Is that a bad thing
Me_ No I don’t say that
Him_ Kisses are a good thing if it’s mutual.
Me_I have a lack of kisses since 2005
Him_ haha seriously? I have been told, I am really good at it
Me_ Are you selling yourself to me?
Him_ I can only show you the product, it’s for you to try and see if you like it
Me_ I love kissing. I only had one bf that was that much into kissing
Him_ I love kissing that’s the most I love about everything else
Me_ Really?
Him_ Everything else is short-lived but kissing can keep going on forever. And with such juicy lips, it can’t get any better
Me_ A rare species. They should put you in a museum.
Him_ That’s what I have been told.
Him_ Well you don’t have the passion for kissing unless you are really into that person
Me_ You wanna tell me that the people I have been with were just not that into me?
Him_ I don’t wanna tell you anything about anyone else, I was just telling you about me and you
Me_ Doesn’t help me with my lack of kissing
Him_ Take it- it’s the best I can do 😚
Me_ But that’s not with passion then, that’s my point
Him_ if I was in person I could really show you a passionate kiss
Me_ Are you saying you are into me or are you messing with me?
Him_ Honestly, I never had the balls to say it. But fuck it. I was always into you from the day I met you. But you friend-zoned me so I didn’t know what else to do other than be a really good friend to you.
Maybe friends off dating apps are never a good idea.
Everything changed
Boom. The bomb dropped on me and it was totally overwhelming me. It was the sweetest thing someone ever told me but what the hell? He said nothing would change. He would always be around. But somehow everything changed. Maybe friends off dating apps are never a good idea. It isn’t the first story like this. Because I didn’t want fake friends and lost a few. He said he wouldn’t ever take advantage of our friendship. That’s good, right? I just don’t know anymore how to act around him. Sure it’s on him to bear being with me, knowing he could never have me. But my people-pleasing ass would maybe give in? I can’t say. I feel honored in a way because he’s quite someone for me. But it doesn’t change any fact of him being married.
He was getting through his divorce, he told me.
Happy birthday to the ground
After 3 months of not hearing from him, he wished me a Happy birthday. One day too late but hey, not everyone can remember the birthday of someone’s most important person. Too much to ask. I already broke our friendship up in my head and got over it. I was doing well again, I accepted that our story ended there and I promised myself not to give in. But I am quite vulnerable around my birthday, especially this one hurt a little. So I called him and we talked for hours. He promised he never wanted to hurt me ever again. He was getting through his divorce, he told me. He’s in India, he told me. He had the worst time of his life, he told me.
Plot twist
„You never will be mine“ is playing in my ears and Robyn is alway right. How could I ever fool myself like this? Of course, my feelings would bring me in trouble again: I fell for him. Hard. Maybe I was holding back because of him being married. Maybe him finally getting a divorce „allowed“ me, to finally have feelings for him. Maybe I was deeply impressed that he was finally talking about his feelings and stood up for what was good for him. Still, I wasn’t sure if I should tell him, because I didn’t want to influence his decision. Because when I thought about telling him, he told me he thought about trying therapy with his wife if she’s agreeing. A therapist that I recommended. She’s awesome. I told him it’s not just his wife’s decision, he has to take it as well. He said, 30% of him wants to save this marriage. I tried to be as objective as possible but I said, that’s quite a low percentage. This was the first time I have been in his apartment. It was quite a nice evening and I thought to myself, sure I can do that, I can keep myself from kissing him. When I left his house I promised myself not to tell him for the sake of his marriage. He told me afterward he was holding back from kissing me that night as well.
Confessions II
Me_ „It’s killing me. How could you keep your feelings to yourself for 4 fucking years? You deserve a trophy for that I am in the same situation right now“
Him_ „Who is it?“
Me_ „A married guy. He doesn’t even know if he wants to keep his marriage – I don’t want to be the reason to break up his marriage“
Him_ „My honest advice: Leave it. Nothing good is coming off it“
And sure. I should have just „leave it“. But there was this urge that made me almost explode to tell him. Maybe I just hoped he wouldn’t ignore me anymore like this.
„I might have done it already though“
Outsmarted
Me_ „See? That’s why I didn’t tell.“
Him_ „Smart.“
Me_ „I would have wanted to tell him in person anyways.“ I kinda begged him to see me this night. He refused and later told me, he had a feeling it’s better not to meet me.
Me_ „I mean he drunk texted me once that he’s into me. And confirmed later.“
I was in rage on my second gin tonic and somehow I opened a ventile and everything just came out.
Me_„I wonder why you care so little about me. And why you haven’t even tried to show me how it could be to be with you or told me. You never thought I could actually feel the same? Why did I just get the trash?
Him_ You didn’t get the trash. But I just didn’t want to show you something which gets complicated and weird at some point.“
Me_ „Weird in what way? Overstepping friendship boundaries?“
Him_ „That yes. And I also thought you didn’t want to encourage it in the first place.“
Me_ „How would you even know? You still have no clue why I am telling you this?“
Him_ „I do but I am trying not to encourage anything.“
Me_“If you say so.“
Somehow I was sure he didn’t get it yet. But I was actually the one who didn’t get it.
Me_ „I might have done it already tho“
Him_“What did he say?“
Me_“He said I shouldn’t tell him. And I said if you say so.“
Me_ „Did you get it already?“
Him_“I did.“
Me_ „since when?“
Him_“since the beginning“
Me_“And I thought I am such a genius.“
Him_“You are. Just that I am a super genius.“
The Aftermath
He told me that he doesn’t want anything to interfere with his decision. He stayed distant and cold. I think I just expected more. Not watching his reaction and not even feeling anything enthusiastic from him was not easy to take. I felt so much left out and then he said two days later, that he and his wife will go for therapy. Ouch. It hurt like crazy. Simone, you knew he will hurt you again. And here it is. That’s when I realized, he will never decide for me and will keep letting others push him around. In theory, there’s nothing better than two best friends falling in love with each other. In theory.
I told him that I wish he’s finding what’s the best for him, I am out. I blocked him on all platforms and flew to Norway. When the plane took off, I literally left him behind.
